andrea…

i tend to live inside my own little bubble of self-absorption. but some days, i step out of that and notice the world around me. today is one of those days.

today i find myself reflecting on the reasons i love some of the people in my life.

the girl that comes to mind most today is the curly-haired sweetheart who is beautiful inside and out, no matter how much she will disagree with me on the “beautiful outside” part. during our brief outing at lunch today, we discussed a number of things. one of them being how a friend of ours finally broke down inside this weekend. boys, family, and work all finally got to her. upon telling her about this, she immediately texted said friend to invite her to the gym tonight with us girls. to the friend, it probably seems insignificant. but the fact that this girl felt compelled to try and bring a smile to someone’s face just made my cold heart melt. she cares so much for the people around her, moreso than most anyone i know. this girl deserves everything in life. i only hope for her that one day she can realize her beauty and her heart. and for as much as i adore her love for others, i can only pray that one day she will realize that you have to look out for number one. she’s got a long road ahead of her i’m sure. but i believe that on some idle tuesday, many years from now, she will finally see herself the way i see her - as a selfless beauty deserving of the love of others as well as herself.

through my own struggles, i have come to see that another friend also has her own struggles. and in my selfish bubble, i often tend to push her troubles by the wayside for my own. i know she forgives me for it, but maybe i should learn a little from the friend above. this friend goes above and beyond to help me sort things out in my life. i can’t even begin to explain how thankful i am every day of my life for her. she brings a smile to my face at even the mere thought of her. i could only hope to be there for her as much as she has been there for me.

there is also this techno-geek girl whom i just adore. another one who worries more about others. she carries the weight much too heavy on her shoulders. but i am very similar in that way. it is a cross to bear, but at the end of the day, i believe it gives us both character. opening my mailbox to find an endearing card from an equally endearing friend just made my day better. no one sends snail mail anymore. except for her. and you know, i like that i only receive mail from her. it was always a source of joy for me during her summers away to open my mailbox and find a big fat envelope with multi-coloured letters and pictures of kids in biway flyers who look freakishly similar to me. she struggles with the day-to-day life just as we all do, and some days she breaks down. but i think that’s healthy. and the end of it all, i know she’ll always have a smile on her face and great big hug to give you. she really gives the best hugs.

then there’s this crazy kid i know who’s too damn smart for his own good. and because of this, he tortures himself. he thinks he’s selfish, and the worst person i’ll ever know. but i really am thankful to have had him in my life for so long. it’s forever been a struggle, but it’s only made me grow over the years. i have learned so much from him. and i only hope that one day he, too, sees himself the way i see him - as a caring person who really just wants to make people happy. i can only hope to share my rose-coloured glasses with him some day so he can see the world in a happier light. life’s too short. may as well enjoy it. no one gets out alive.

ok, i’m done being a ray of fucking sunshine now. hopefully i brought a smile to your face as all of you do to me.

for the first time in my life, i actually have the motivation to go to the gym. i have lost about 12lbs in the past two months simply by altering my diet. the weight may be off, but i still have the stomach pudge. and i’d simply like my body to be tighter. plus, let’s face it, i may be slim, but i’m definitely out of shape. walking up a flight of stairs leaves me winded. this could also be attributed to the smoking, but the vegetative state i tend to live in doesn’t help much either.

the only downside to all of this is that none of my friggin clothes fit anymore. for most people, this would be a source of joy. but for a self-professed shopaholic, this is sad news. i have spent a lot of time (and money) getting my wardrobe to what it is. this weight loss is making an even bigger dent in my wallet because i need to buy new clothes that fit.

this dedication to the gym is nothing less than beneficial. but there’s other reasons i’m so into getting slim.

i feel like i have little control over the other aspects of my life as of late. my body seems to be the only thing i have control over anymore. that sounds an awful lot like something an anorexic would say. but fear not, i love food way too much to ever stop eating. or puke it back out for that matter.

i hate not knowing what’s going to happen next in my life. i used to go with the flow. now i want to know what happens next. the only thing i know for sure is that in a few short weeks, my weight is going to slip below 130. that’s phenomenal considering i haven’t been there since i was in about grade 10. but on the same token, it’s sort of depressing that the only thing i’m sure of anymore is my weight.

changing the look yet again. have to work out some bugs still and tweak it all to my liking. definitely digging this one so far though. w00t.

I’m starting to fashion an idea in my head
Where I would impress you,
Where every single word I said
Would come out insightful or brave, or smooth, or charming
And you’d want to call me..
And I
Would be there every time
You need me;
I’d be there every time..

But for now,
I’ll look
So longingly..
Waiting

For you to want me
For you to need me
For you to notice me

I’m starting to fashion an idea in my head
Where I would impress you,
Where every single word I said
Would come out insightful or brave, or smooth, or charming
And you’d want to call me..

And I
Would be there every time
You need me;
I’d be there every time..

But for now,
I’ll look
So longingly
Waiting

For you to want me
For you to need me
For you to notice me…

-Dashboard Confessional.