i’m so confused with my own emotions that i don’t know whether to laugh, cry or scream.
i have slept better in the last few nights that i have in the last few months. i’m not sure what to make of that. that’s not true - i know exactly what to make of that. i knew it wouldn’t last. holding myself in a situation that i knew wouldn’t last was eating away at me. the dreams were insane. now, i sleep like the dead. i still dream all night, but barely remember them in the morning. for me, that is the definition of a good night’s sleep. the only dreams i remember now are the ones he is in. in them, he stops by to pick up his stuff and stays to talk for a few minutes. in my dreams, the conversation flows so easily. there is no tears. there is no awkward silences. there is simply two adults having a conversation. then we say goodbye. i wish it was that simple.
i’m going to be 26 very soon. to me that sounds so old. i never thought i would be here at this point in my life. no little girl thinks “i want to be single and depressed at 26″. as a little girl, you hope to be married and having babies by 26. that is definitely not in the cards for me at this point. sometimes i wish i could turn the clock back. but to what point, i’m not sure. would i turn it back to the summer i turned 19 and choose to not work at the camp? or would i turn it back to the summer i turned 22 and not run from the thought of committment?
it always seems easier to run. eventually there comes a point when you hit a brick wall of realization. it’s the idea of the fight or flight response. fighting may be much more difficult, but in the end, one will most often find that was the best course of action. we learn that we have to take responsibility for our actions because we are now adults *cue scary music*.
right now, i’m stuck in limbo. sitting here licking my wounds. all that i hope for in life is for you to find something that genuinely makes you happy. i truly believe that deep down inside, you know what makes you happy. but you have many things within yourself that need to be sorted out. i hope that seeking professional help aids you more than you could imagine.
for as difficult as it may seem, i’m here if you need me.
come and get the shit you left behind. i want it out of my house. otherwise the camera is going in the trash.
and furthmore, nice blog. it’s not like it would have made any difference if i had found it sooner and talked to you about it. you’d still have taken the spineless way out. there is no saving you.
grow the fuck up and learn to deal with shit like a man.
i washed my sheets and febreezed the bed. i washed your towel. i poured the coffeemate down the drain. i threw out the bread and the bagels. i dumped all the cigarette butts in the garbage. i want to throw away the xbox. i want to toss red steel out the window. i took the picture off the fridge. i’m staring at the sock you left behind.
katy and amanda and will just left. i’m alone. sitting in the silence. i will take this one night to cry. then i will cry no more tears for you.
you say it’s nothing i did wrong. i wish i could say that you’re right. for as much as you are mostly to blame, i can’t help but think of the things i did wrong. i’m sorry i yelled at you for not liking my dress. i’m sorry i dragged you to my work party. i’m sorry i don’t like your friends. i’m sorry i showed weakness in front of you. but mostly i’m sorry that you don’t love me. and that maybe i didn’t love you the way i thought i did.
i didn’t sleep properly the entire time you were here because i knew you were going to leave. it came as no surprise when i walked in today to the note on the table. i called you at 5 to say i would be home late. you didn’t answer the phone. i sent you a text to call me and you never did. i called at 6 to once again say i would be home late. you thought i had already come home and saw the note. i pulled in the driveway and saw no car. i knew. i knew many weeks ago. but i hoped you could get past your own demons.
you left your camera. i can only assume you won’t come get it. you will ask me to leave it in the mailbox. you will send your mother to get it. you will find any way to avoid seeing the hurt in my eyes.
i will not fight for you anymore. it’s clear that this does not work for you. and apparently to my friends, it was clear to them it did not work for me either. we gave it our chances. and for what it’s worth, i had fun. i would love to see you one last time to say goodbye. we’ve never learned how to do that properly. saying goodbye will help me to move on. i hope it will help you move on as well.
you’ll always have a place in my heart, but in a deep dark corner of remembrance, not longing. let’s have the much needed goodbye. you know how to reach me.