i washed my sheets.
i washed my sheets and febreezed the bed. i washed your towel. i poured the coffeemate down the drain. i threw out the bread and the bagels. i dumped all the cigarette butts in the garbage. i want to throw away the xbox. i want to toss red steel out the window. i took the picture off the fridge. i’m staring at the sock you left behind.
katy and amanda and will just left. i’m alone. sitting in the silence. i will take this one night to cry. then i will cry no more tears for you.
you say it’s nothing i did wrong. i wish i could say that you’re right. for as much as you are mostly to blame, i can’t help but think of the things i did wrong. i’m sorry i yelled at you for not liking my dress. i’m sorry i dragged you to my work party. i’m sorry i don’t like your friends. i’m sorry i showed weakness in front of you. but mostly i’m sorry that you don’t love me. and that maybe i didn’t love you the way i thought i did.
i didn’t sleep properly the entire time you were here because i knew you were going to leave. it came as no surprise when i walked in today to the note on the table. i called you at 5 to say i would be home late. you didn’t answer the phone. i sent you a text to call me and you never did. i called at 6 to once again say i would be home late. you thought i had already come home and saw the note. i pulled in the driveway and saw no car. i knew. i knew many weeks ago. but i hoped you could get past your own demons.
you left your camera. i can only assume you won’t come get it. you will ask me to leave it in the mailbox. you will send your mother to get it. you will find any way to avoid seeing the hurt in my eyes.
i will not fight for you anymore. it’s clear that this does not work for you. and apparently to my friends, it was clear to them it did not work for me either. we gave it our chances. and for what it’s worth, i had fun. i would love to see you one last time to say goodbye. we’ve never learned how to do that properly. saying goodbye will help me to move on. i hope it will help you move on as well.
you’ll always have a place in my heart, but in a deep dark corner of remembrance, not longing. let’s have the much needed goodbye. you know how to reach me.