into the pavement i’m caving in.
i’m so confused with my own emotions that i don’t know whether to laugh, cry or scream.
i have slept better in the last few nights that i have in the last few months. i’m not sure what to make of that. that’s not true - i know exactly what to make of that. i knew it wouldn’t last. holding myself in a situation that i knew wouldn’t last was eating away at me. the dreams were insane. now, i sleep like the dead. i still dream all night, but barely remember them in the morning. for me, that is the definition of a good night’s sleep. the only dreams i remember now are the ones he is in. in them, he stops by to pick up his stuff and stays to talk for a few minutes. in my dreams, the conversation flows so easily. there is no tears. there is no awkward silences. there is simply two adults having a conversation. then we say goodbye. i wish it was that simple.
i’m going to be 26 very soon. to me that sounds so old. i never thought i would be here at this point in my life. no little girl thinks “i want to be single and depressed at 26″. as a little girl, you hope to be married and having babies by 26. that is definitely not in the cards for me at this point. sometimes i wish i could turn the clock back. but to what point, i’m not sure. would i turn it back to the summer i turned 19 and choose to not work at the camp? or would i turn it back to the summer i turned 22 and not run from the thought of committment?
it always seems easier to run. eventually there comes a point when you hit a brick wall of realization. it’s the idea of the fight or flight response. fighting may be much more difficult, but in the end, one will most often find that was the best course of action. we learn that we have to take responsibility for our actions because we are now adults *cue scary music*.
right now, i’m stuck in limbo. sitting here licking my wounds. all that i hope for in life is for you to find something that genuinely makes you happy. i truly believe that deep down inside, you know what makes you happy. but you have many things within yourself that need to be sorted out. i hope that seeking professional help aids you more than you could imagine.
for as difficult as it may seem, i’m here if you need me.