We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

Invitation only
Grand Farewells
Crash the best one
Of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed
Too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

And from the ball room floor
We are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all
Will sleep well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well

you have stolen
you have stolen
you have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around
In your highest heels
You are the best one
Of the best ones
We
All
Look
Like
We
Feel

you have stolen my
you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart

so, tomorrow…. starts hijacking wedding dress shopping round 1. then saturday is round two.

i’m still afraid.

i am mediating on being calm and positive before that. i am ripped all of my “I like this dress” out of my magazines and putting in folders.

but moreover, i am trusting the friends and sister i love the most to be with my psychotic self in this. they may regret that later.

part of me thinks that i don’t need this big white poufy wedding dress. i could just go buy a simple summer dress that was a little fancier than my normal wear and be happy. i’m not even sure if this whole bridal salon game is for me. guess we’ll find out.

meanwhile, i have so much work to do, i will just put my head down, do this work and ignore this rising feeling of panic and chant, “i am not a hippo.”

it has been interesting to me that my negative self talk that i normally keep inside of me has shocked so many people. they can’t believe what i say to myself. i think that’s a wake up call in itself. the real question is how does this go from thinking to reality.

Last time this didn’t go so well.

I learnt a few things:
1) Don’t read the size tags. They just make me angry.
2) Don’t wear your lacy/skimpy pants - someone WILL be in there with you.
3) Wear better foundation gear/get some.
4) Be proud of your assets… literally

In thinking about this again, I don’t know if I am ready yet.  The cumulative fears of my body issues have smacked my larger than usual ass around the bush. The whole process of buying/making/finding a wedding dress have not left me with a positive glowing “this is the one” feeling. It’s left me flat depressed.

I’m sure I’m not the only curvy girl out there that has had this problem nor will I be the last. The time clock is ticking on me here, and I feel like I SHOULD be going to do this. I SHOULD have ordered it or figured out what I am doing before the bridesmaid dresses and the groompeople clothing but not yet.

Not yet, world, not yet.

I have yet to set my intention - and it is lbs focused - and for once I’m thinking to myself maybe it shouldn’t be. Maybe it should be about feeling better, feeling healthy, being able to look myself in the mirror - a good long look and being proud of what I have. I have days where I get to that, even now, and think, what is really wrong with what I have? I have generous curves, and a man who loves them and is frustrated that I don’t as well.

In light of all of that, and the glimer of wisdom, I still feel like I’m the girl in this picture.

Somehow I have to work towards fixing that perspective.

Ah, Google Reader, how you make my life easier.

Could you cool it a little on the neat but incredibly expensive weddings?

I’m a little love/hate with you over this. I mean, I do want to see them but it also makes me lust after things best left forgotten.

Did I mention I have a budget?

Thanks - Holly

I liked this. Here is my letter.

First of all, congratulations to the two couples that we know that got married over the past two years.

One before weddings even entered our vocabulary. We love that you two have been joined at the hip since high school, truly we know you will last forever. We both left your wedding thinking “No, this is not how we would do it.” We don’t want the church, communion on your wedding day is only for the hardiest of souls. The 2,000 dollar dress with chapel length train is not my style - and I didn’t think it was yours either, you yoga-pant loving friend. I don’t want the bridesmaid drama - I don’t want my maid of honor basically ditching me. I don’t want to fight with my mother. I don’t want cute little favours no one cares about anyway. We don’t want the guests to have to try and get drunk on the one bottle of wine at the table because it’s the only option other than the cash bar. I don’t want to be registered for fancy china. I don’t want the five million family pictures. I don’t want the cheesy DJ to refuse what guests want to hear. We don’t want to dance until 1 am.

To the other couple married on our four year anniversary, congratulations. Best of luck, joy and love. We don’t want the hour long ceremony, just no…. We don’t want the overdone sand ceremony. We don’t want the transportation issues of who, where, and how. We don’t want the uneven wedding party. We don’t want the hideous expensive hot bridesmaid dresses. We don’t have to debate every single detail of our wedding. I don’t want the photographer that loses my wedding photos and still doesn’t give me a good reason or a refund more than six months later. I don’t want myself to notice when a close friend is not okay. I don’t want to give out just one drink ticket. We don’t want our friends to have to “work” our reception. I don’t want to iron details for the special day the night before. I don’t want anyone to feel out of place. We refuse to sit our friends’ dates at a table in a back while the wedding party sits out front.

I do want my friends and family to show up and spend a weekend with us in our relaxed calm natures. I want us to look like US but a little more fancy than usually on our wedding day. I want not to be rushed. I want to be calm and relaxed and happy. I want to do high ropes before we get married and eat french toast. I want my bridesmaids to wear something they are comfortable in. I don’t want to stress about the small details (although I probably will). All in all, I want to marry my best friend, my lover, and the guy that makes me smile every day. I want our wedding to be unique and for our love to shine through.

“now we’re cooking with gas….”

I unofficially threw aside my crutches today, put on a purdy dress and high heeled it up out of crutching. My foot now looks like a hoof with the swelling, but for a few hours it was good to feel good, look good and be blessedly normal (and of course I only walked about 15 ft…)

My mother would totally roll over and give me the gears if she had any idea that is what I was doing.

I don’t believe in physiotherapy. I believe in pushing myself to my limits and I usually do so when I am sick. Sometimes this winds me up into major trouble, other times it allows me to recover and be fiercely independent on my own terms again.

I’m tired of everyone looking at me while I’m on crutches and asking “How are you?”. More than half the people who ask me that question don’t really care what the answer is, they are just being polite. The other half really does, you can tell. When I say “fine” they give me that LOOK so then I go into greater detail. If they don’t, then I don’t. It’s that simple.

The bridal events are being planned with vengeance now, there is a date on one shower, which I’m already starting to count up how many people it will truly have at it and get a little frightened. I also have realized I need to go shopping and put together some outfits, skirts, dresses and the like that I can wear at the 2 weddings and many semi-formal events we are already booked to attend in June & July. Where does one buy nice dresses these days?

I think I need to remember last time I scrapbooked about my leg. I really poured the story out of my heart, and even though it was several years later, it really dissipated my frustration and anger about the whole situation.

I need to get my scrapbooking space working in a way that works with me. This is truly challenging when I have a fiance who doesn’t understand or comprehend that how the crafty mind needs that space, the inspiration, the weird colours. He, of course, would love to turn the whole space into a little gaming den, which is all well in good, but I have been dreaming in Ikea.

My leg is getting better, I can move around inside the house without crutches quite easily, I can weight bare on my leg without groaning in agony. I’m not quite ready to start walking on it, but this is progress!

So, I prompty jumped on my WiiFit for scale purposes…. I had lost 3.1 lbs. I have been eating like I have a tape worm so I guess that is fueling my healing.

my mind is moving in circles, but my body is slowing me down. i always think after i’m sick i can jump up and my world will be the same, and i will run, jump, and play just like i did before. you think after the last time, i would have learnt. no… i didn’t.

i’m feeling behind… at work, well, i’m 3 weeks behind and only working at a half-day speed. march break is creeping up on me quickly. my wedding to do list is getting longer and longer and nothing is getting accomplished. it’s all still thoughts in my head.

the joy of trying to be pregnant and figuring out its happened has been taken away. it will be a planned carefully executed event. it’s a sad small joy of life that is now denied. but the good news, i can get pregnant…. and it CAN happen… that trumps it all. we’re not there yet, but it is going to hit the radar in the next few days.

trying to stay focused on the positive, keep my leg up and stay sane.

so, one of the debates… what is OUR song?

truth is, it would either be, “Into the River Below” by Billy Talent or “Oh Yeah” by Yello.

How romantic! LOL!

So, now I’m searching for a musical “I love you” song that doesn’t suck balls, aka is not the same wedding song we’ve heard at the past 34 weddings.

Options…..
Admiration by Incubus

I really want it to be a Dashboard song…. Stolen (the acoustic slow version!)

As you sleep by Something Corporate

Staplegunned by The Spill Canvas

Hallelujah by Paramore

I wanna be there by Blessid Union of Souls